she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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