a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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