Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
