I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
