U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
that's an acceptable place to lick
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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