Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
