I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
