sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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