I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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