God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
