I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
