do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
