My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i dont even know how to be here
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Randomize
