Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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