I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
