I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
