I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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