I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
