Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
