Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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