is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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