my soul wont recognize me after tonight
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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