I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
