How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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