Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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