Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
