and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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