He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
