Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
