I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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