it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's official drugs can't kill me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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