fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
