I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
