She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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