I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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