5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
