rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
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I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize