True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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