My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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