Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
