a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
