i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
