listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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