your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
home. puking in laundry basket.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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