Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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