I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
