He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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