I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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