I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
