my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
