Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
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He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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