You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
