If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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