I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
