I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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