I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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