i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
