I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
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I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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